Missed Connections in Portland
Looking for a Wizard, or Maybe an Alchemist
After another failed relationship this year,
I realized that what I need is a genuine wizard.
Because I live in Portland,
I thought I might actually be able to find one.
So, dear alchemists, Crowley-ists, and reiki masters, work your magickal energies on this: figure out a way to astrologically harmonize my love business or whatever, because it has been fucking impossible to have awesome sex with a person and also love that person without them retreating to the wilderness of Cascadia because I admitted to feeling some unambiguous love-feelings.
I’m not saying I’m telling dudes or ladies I love them after we hook up for the first time– I’m talking after months of sharing our hopes, dreams, strange childhood upbringings, and the faith we have that love might be a real thing worth feeling sometimes, maybe. This is like, way after we’ve barbequed tofu dogs, because we live in fucking Portland, after having sex, after cuddling like fucking champions.
Well, you know what, Portland wizards? I want it all. I want the sex and the love to co-exist, and I don’t mean co-exist like Israelis and Palestinians, I mean like sea salt and caramel in fucking artisan ice cream shops, like cats and weirdos, like a bottle of red wine with a second god damn bottle of red wine. I want that. And I need your help to magically combine sex and love, because, sadly, they’ve been magnetically opposed to each other thus far.
Serious wizards only, please.
There are times when it truly appears that finding a suitable love interest is near impossible and all one can do is look at other happy pairings and wonder “How did that happen?” Is it magic? Is it karma? Is it just plain dumb luck? If wizards could arrange successful relationships I’m pretty sure they would be in high demand – but would they still be living in Portland? 😉