Missed Connections in Toronto
Short form for Missed Connections
We locked [eyes/nose rings/tongues/fenders]
[this morning/last night/every frigging day this week/Stone age]
[on/at] the [DVP/401/street/at the bar/tim horton's/].
You: [pretty/hairy/tall/sunburnt/indecently pierced][asian/illegal alien/stockbroker/homeless person with weeping facial wounds].
Me: [/handsome/hot/short/morbidly obese/obviously aroused/unspeakably scary][garden gnome/leper/crack addict/corporate shil].
You were wearing [vintage Dior/Hefty Bag/Spongebob Squarepants costume/oven mittens].
I was [in pajamas/draped in ermine/freshly waxed/nude].
I wanted to [share my medication/say hello/give you my number/lick your nipples]
but was too [drunk/dizzy/incontinent/mentally deficient] to do anything.
If you [see this/care/are still alive/are in need of a tongue bath]
please [respond/flick your high-beams/submit your resume].
Then we can [take it from there/screw like lice-ridden monkeys/have a garage sale/meet for a drink].
Looking [forward to hearing from you/for another meal ticket/hot].
So many missed connections messages are generic, unoriginal, boring, and poorly written that “critiques” are becoming more commonplace. Some readers (those hoping/waiting for a message about them, perhaps?) take umbrage with examples of deficient writing and communication skills and can be harsher than a 7th grade English teacher with a fresh supply of red pens. Filling in words to this sardonic “Mad Libs” style poem might actually help some writers develop a more attention-grabbing post!