Lovelorn Poet in Ithaca, NY: McChicken

Missed Connections in Ithaca

chicken-clipart-7To the fowl weather friend.

Trying to mend a friendship, with a nutritionally deficient breaded deep fried chicken byproduct can only make me think you tried the fast food approach to your friendship as well i.e. you were all about the happy meal and liked playing with the toys but when more sustenance was needed you just balked not being used to a whole food diet so to speak.

Changing diets can be hard and giving up junk food for something more nourishing might just be too much for you.
It seems however in this town there is a lot of support for it if you can bring yourself into pursuing it.


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Fast food is… well… it’s just that, fast. Not much else going on there but convenience – and really, is gaining a few minutes in the short-term worth all the negatives down the road? Say good-bye to food and people who resemble pink slime and hello to something McHealthy.

Lovelorn Poets in Sacramento, CA: Whole Foods Women

Whole Foods Women
Missed Connections in Sacramento

So many pretty women but the problem is,
it’s too expensive.
I went over to a woman shopping for her organic veggies, tried to shove her into my shopping cart but then after looking at the price tag on her head of $500,000 I was like DAMN, she’s way too expensive and I can’t afford her!

So I thought okay, maybe these organic veggie women don’t all cost so much. Went up to the next tapped her on the shoulder, gave her a smirk and pointed for her to get into the shopping cart…then she showed me her price tag of ONE MILLION???!!!??? Damn…had to go.

Alright maybe the women in the snack isle aren’t so pricey. I waited and waited pretending to care about shopping for new snacks and no ladies in that isle. Only men so we got to chit chatting about snacks and they were hoping to find less expensive women on this isle. I just got frustrated and decided to go look at the cheese instead since this whole journey was starting to feel cheesy.

Then she showed up! She wore a shirt that said “Always low prices….Always!” She had this look of discomfort and organic noobness about her so I knew she was going to be the one! I tapped her on the shoulder and motioned for her to get into the basket. She showed me her price tag of $50.00 and I was thrilled! Then…one of those Whole Foods employees came up and gave her a sample of the raw cheese. She ate some and smiled. Then rolling my eyes I motioned once again for her to get into the basket. She grabbed the workers pen and crossed out the $50.00 price tag and jacked up the new price to $300,000.

I give up! I am never shopping at Whole Foods again! It’s back to Walmart for me. If you happen to catch women glued to toilets, their price goes waay down. It’s a steal!


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As someone who recently ditched the Whole Foods shopping “experience” for a locally run food co-op, I understand our poet’s lament about sky high prices and the attitudes to match. However, I don’t think Wal-Mart presents a better solution; what good is low low China-made prices if you end up stuck to a toilet seat and on the evening news? Better to skip the snack aisle entirely and use the loo in the comfort of your domicile. Whether you’re buying million dollar chips or the .99 cent discount brand, eating them won’t improve your heath any!

Lovelorn Poet in Portland, OR: Swan Mart Boy, I Kind Of Love You

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Over the weekend I volunteered at a local arts festival in my neighborhood. Nine hours of live music, pottery, prints, paintings, books, and esoterica like jewelry made from grape vines or old forks. (And twelve hours of carrying chairs, carrying tables, carrying crates of pottery, and sweeping up cigarette butts.)  When I wasn’t moving items I had time to sit back and people watch – and the crowd did not disappoint! Shapeless little old folks with frizzy white hair walking along-side equally shapeless skinny black jeans and dreadlocks. Past, present, and tomorrow colliding in a two-block span. I’m of an age where I kind of missed tattoos as a fashion statement – you either had to go down to the Navy yard (Hello??!!) or NYC. Not convenient at all. Plus, I worried that I’d start a tattoo and not be able to stand the pain – thus being left with a couple of permanent squiggles on the body part of my choice. So, my body remains a blank canvas.  As I watched the multi-colored sleeves and designs pass by I realized I inhabit an in-between land. Admiring beauty from another place, another time… another girl, another planet. It’s a little unsettling.  ~  Last week while searching for swan poems (see Thursday’s post) I found this funny little self-deprecating gem from Portland. While it wasn’t the right fit for that particular musing, I think it’s perfect for today and is complemented nicely by this unattributed image from Frankie Leone’s Borough of Lost Boys Facebook feed.  We all have different stories about American Beauty.

swan mart boy

From Borough of Lost Boys – Frankie Leone

Swan Mart Boy, I Kind Of Love You
Missed Connections from Portland

Yes, you.
The guy with the boyish good looks and the pretty brown eyes.
Maybe it’s just that you seem so out-of-context in a miscellaneous minute-market that I only frequent for its proximity to my apartment (y’all are totally overpriced!!!). . .but there’s something about you that’s disarmingly attractive.
You look youngish, which could mean you’re my age OR could mean you’re in high school or something, which makes me really super creepy.
I really hope you’re well above the legal age of consent, for my own peace of mind.

You make my sporadic trips to the Swan Mart significantly more fun and also infinitely more stressful.
I get all flustered and awkward whenever I take my selected purchases up to your counter.
This is usually made a lot worse because typically these shopping trips only happen when I look like shit and am buying something really weird that I’m too embarrassed to get from a “normal” grocery store (or I just need it quickly and don’t want to travel further).
The list of bizarre things I have purchased from your store while you were working includes
a) copious amounts of ice cream,
b) various packs of cigarettes (I’m not even a smoker!)
c) Mad Dog 20/20 (I swear I had a good excuse for buying that. . ..actually, no, never in history has there been a good excuse for buying Mad Dog), and
d) Spicy brown mustard. By itself. The only bottle you had, of course, because who buys mustard from a minute market?! . . .Me.

I’m in a committed & happy relationship, so if you figure out who this is and are totally creeped out, or if you have a girlfriend or something, no worries!
I’m not a threat and I’m not trying to mack on you.
I just know how much I appreciate sincere compliments that come from out-of-the-blue, so I thought you might like to know that one of your regular customers thinks you’re totally cute.
Actually, two customers do–my roommate agrees with me.

Sincerely, your secret admirer[s].

Missed Connections in Asheville, NC: Bandidos Burritos

Lovelorn Poets and Brian Carpenter's Ghost Train Orchestra

Bandidos Burritos Missed Connections in Asheville Server, My deepest apologies for my obnoxious screaming about the price of hot sauce today in the store. As someone who interacts with demanding assholes everyday, I know there is nothing worse than a misinformed customer loudly complaining about the food prices that we in no way control.   […]

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Missed Connections in Austin, TX: To My Fellow Coconut

Lovelorn Poets and Harry Nilsson

To My Fellow Coconut Missed Connections from Austin We were such good friends. You and I basked in the glory of Whole Foods day after day. We watched as our brethren were taken from us, liquefied or eaten. But we were safe, we were immune, we escaped prejudice. That was before the dark times, before […]

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