Missed Connections in Seattle
Before I go any further, I would like to thank you for all your efforts, especially around Valentine’s Day – I understand that you’ve probably slung more than my fair share of arrows for me over the years, which has not gone unnoticed – But we need to talk:
Lately, my friends have started accusing me of having “commitment issues” – Apparently they think that because I stopped dating for a while and haven’t kept a long term relationship since my ex who died – That I am sabotaging them somehow. But you and I both know that is simply horseshit. While personality certainly plays a part in chemistry, when it comes to my physical attraction to another person you know damn well I have pretty much no choice in the matter. Sure one can argue that I may be picky because there seems to be a common theme amongst the guys I have taken interest in over the years, but that’s a farce and certainly not my doing. How do I prove it? Easy. Because I like shit simple – And there is nothing fucking simple about having a preference that even I struggle to explain.
Is it just guys with dark hair? Nope, not that simple. Olive skin? Nope, Chuck Testa. Tall ones? Short ones? Not sure. Blondes – HELL NO – But why? NO F-ING CLUE. Black Dudes – No attraction there either. See where I am going with this?
This shit is inconvenient. In fact it serves no purpose and I would actually prefer if it were different because it would broaden my opportunities. But no.
Life just isn’t that easy is it?
So here’s my proposal. Please shoot me in the ass with one of your love laced arrows already and bring me a good man – Because frankly I am sick of my Parents trying to play match maker, my friends busting balls and I absolutely cannot end up a spinster with 19 cats. ( My doctor says I am allergic and I really don’t want to be on the TV show “Animal Hoarders”).
Oh, And one last thing – No hooking me up with ill tempered felons M’kay? Because you tried that shit earlier this year and I hated having to pretend I don’t know anything about shaving my pubic hair, blow jobs or cooking just to convince him to leave on his own accord. (You owe me for that one).
Whether you’re attempting to articulate the delicate balance of qualities needed for relationship attraction, or something more lusty, like say, pornography, it all boils down to a simple phrase; you know it when you see it. From Justice Potter Stewart, concurring opinion in Jacobellis v. Ohio 378 U.S. 184 (1964), “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within the shorthand description of hard-core pornography; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the motion picture involved in this case is not that.”